“It’s important that we are gentle towards ourselves, that we acknowledge that we are doing our very best, and that we ask ourselves every day, ‘What would be the most loving thing I can do for myself in this moment?’”
Posted by the National Domestic Violence Hotline

May, the month of Mother’s Day.  Keep the above in mind!

Where DARVO Can Lead and How to Handle It.

In her blog, Shay Seaborne, former tall ship sailor turned trauma awareness activist-artist, states that “predators and other abusers often use the DARVO technique, a strategy that maintains control by destabilizing others. DARVO stands for Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender. It disrupts the relational context that helps people stay grounded in truth and connection. It overwhelms the victim’s nervous system with confusion, threat, and isolation, which makes it harder to access a clear sense of what happened or to feel safe enough to speak.”  When this happens the dysregulated DV survivor can be wrongly identified as the abuser because DARVO tactics destabilize, isolate, and confuse.  To disengage and not internalize the tactic, Ms Seaborne offers a grounded response technique to protect your inner stability and to expose the tactic without getting caught up in it.  To read about the tactics and read the entire article, see:  What is the DARVO Tactic, and How Can We Respond? 

Domesticshelters.org has an excellent article on How Survivors Get Falsely Accused of Domestic Abuse and explains how the Justice System can fail survivors and false accusations may become another form of abuse.  Accusations, in reality false, can seem to be correct when the survivor is “destabilized, isolated and confused”, due to DARVO, misogyny within Law Enforcement, and an underinformed Legal System.  To read this excellent article: How Survivors Get Falsely Accused of Domestic Violence 

A new (to me) professional on the scene is Anthony Bompiani, family law attorney, and former judge, who offers excellent facebook videos about how to handle child custody, narcissistic abusers and high conflict divorce situations.  Every post from him is solid and right on with insights and guidance. LK

A Self-Care Perspective

Valentines Day is behind us – no flowers, no card, no one reminding the children to make or send a card. Mother’s Day is just ahead.  Another one of those Hallmark inspired days. Yes, we understand.  One of our ladies spent Valentines evening in the Emergency Room.  She had to drive herself there. Not romantic. But this is part of the reality and what it looks like when you leave an abusive relationship.  No romantic dinners but no abuse.  No cards and flowers but no coercive control.  No bed of roses but no bed of terror either. Sometimes this is the reality of being a survivor and we just want to acknowledge you.  We see you, we applaud you!  You are brave; you are courageous and that is self-care!  LK

More on “Self Care”

Every day is not an opportunity to improve yourself.  Some days are just there for you to accept yourself and look at the clouds.  This too is growth.  This too is rising. Just existing is enough on some days. The flowers do it every day and make the world more beautiful just by being here.  So do you.   By Nikita Gill, playwright, writer and illustrator

A Reminder

If you see something, say something.  If a family member is making threats, treat the threats as credible.  If a boyfriend is making threats, treat the threats as credible.  You could be saving a life. Tell someone safe and trustworthy, help that person engage in a plan, or contact the police … you could be saving a life. (As recent as this month, the husband of the woman who “fell overboard” was arrested because the woman’s mother told of the couple’s history of a volatile marriage.  And the son of the doctor whose wife “fell” off the cliff in Hawaii had the courage to tell the police the account his father gave him of what happened. In these two cases, lives were not saved but justice is being pursued for the victims because others spoke up.)  LK

Book recommendation

Overcoming the Narcissist, Sociopath, Psychopath and other Domestic Abusers, by Charlene Quint,  J.D., C.D.V.P.,  Redemption Press, 2020

This recommendation was given by Rosalyn, a lady doctor and friend of the coalition, who is going through a long nasty divorce  Our friend has also heard the author speak at a live event.

Scripture Verse:

“She is clothed with strength and dignity; she can laugh at the days to come. She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue.”    Proverbs 31:25, 26