“Some believe it is only great power that can hold evil in check, but that is not what I have found.  It is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay.  Small acts of kindness and love.”  J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

Wait, What Just Happened?

Have you ever wondered how you ended up in a land mine with shame bombs dropping all around you when you were just having a reasonable conversation with someone?  You are speaking with someone in a very calm manner, and you suddenly are hit with shame and blame, or worse yet, yelling begins.  After the episode, you might ask yourself “what really happened – what did I do to deserve this verbal attack?”

The truth is you didn’t deserve the attack, most likely.  You have been hit with an attack by an agitator who uses control to shut down an uncomfortable truth.  This method of control is a tactic used by high conflict individuals to stop the conversation and put an end to something that you said that the person could not tolerate emotionally.

This kind of episode is a huge red flag when dating or thinking of having any kind of relationship with someone.  It could be, admittedly, that the person is having a bad day, and you can give them a pass – once or twice. However, if there is a continued pattern of attacks of this kind, think about cutting ties and moving on.

What is really happening in such a high conflict situation? Does this kind of interaction really work? You bet it does. The high conflict person is used to being in control or sabotaging relationships at a moment’s notice.  How you respond depends on how you feel about conflict. Certain elements of your response can give you room and time to decide what you will do with these shenanigans.

When dealing with a high conflict person, here are some ways to manage a difficult encounter:

• Keep the goal/topic of the conversation firmly in mind as you respond.
• Do not blame the blamer; this will merely inflame the person.
• Change the subject to something they like to talk about.
• Address the left (thinking, non-emotional) part of the brain to help them calm down.
• Don’t admonish, advise or apologize.  This is not advised when experiencing an attack.
• NEVER diagnose the blamer with a psychological label; that only inflames further.

A calm  measured response with brief, friendly, firm and informational words can reduce the over-the-top exchange to a mild incident.  However, this also is an opportunity to reassess your willingness to be in a controlling relationship for very long. Remember, backing out of the relationship slowly could be an option. CL

Do you know about: Project Be Free

Project Be Free, located in Renton, WA, is a culturally diverse organization that realizes that due to a lack of resources, and a seeming increase in racial disparities, the Domestic Violence system is being overwhelmed. They provide crisis response to individuals affected by Domestic Violence and utilize partnerships within our community that allow support and navigation of mental health needs to increase advocacy and promote individual wellbeing. They offer crisis response, DV advocates, a mentorship program, community training, community events and newsletters. (425) 324-5030, DV Hopeline (206) 737-0242, email: info.project.be.free@gmail.com

Book Review:  A Terrible Thing Happened, by Margaret M Holmes

Children who have witnessed violence or other traumatic incidents are at greater risk for committing violence in the future than are children who have been involved in such events. The event might be a car accident, domestic or school violence, suicide, or a natural disaster such as a tornado, flood, or fire. Regardless of the type of incident, child witnesses often react by trying to forget or ignore the experience. When their feelings are pushed underground in this manner, these children may begin to feel bad in ways they don’t understand and become angry as a result of feeling bad. It is this anger that can give way to violence. Caring adults can make all the difference by helping children talk about and understand the experience. An afterword by Sasha J. Mudlaff written for parents and other caregivers offers extensive suggestions for helping traumatized children, including a list of other sources that focus on specific events.

Amazon review

I highly recommend this book to anyone who cares for young children who have seen or personally experienced a traumatic event of any type.  It’s a delightful story of a raccoon named Sherman Smith who just doesn’t want to talk about the terrible thing he saw but he becomes oddly angry.  I recently read this book to our granddaughters, ages 7 and 11, whom we are guardians of, and it gave a perfect segue to talk about all sorts of terrible things that can happen, as the book doesn’t say what “the terrible thing” is.  The book is a fantastic conversation starter around a difficult topic. EM

In Memoriam

CCSF expresses our most heartfelt sorrow over the deaths of Evelyn, Paityn and Olivia, murdered recently by their father.  In addition, we keep in mind all those who have died at the hands of those who were meant to love and protect them.  

Scripture Verse

Mark 10:16:  “Then he took the children in his arms and placed his hands on their heads and blessed them”.  The apostle Mark, talking about Jesus. NIV