“Try not to become a man of success but rather become a man of value.”
Albert Einstein
Two Survivor Stories
Mary: I grew up with two younger brothers in a tight knit neighborhood. The neighbor boys hung out together; the neighbor girls hung out together. The boys, as boys often do, had lots of adventures. I was unaware of most of their adventures. My own brothers never told me about their escapades until we became adults. I have mostly good memories of family life; we watched TV together as a family; the World of Walt Disney together on Sunday nights; nothing “traumatic” to speak of. My father, a sergeant in the army and an ROTC instructor, was my hero. My mother was my best friend.
When it was time to talk about my college path, I wanted to be a nurse. But my father said I was too sensitive to be a nurse. I headed down the “teacher path”. But I realized I absolutely did not want to be a teacher. My dating experience led me to think that you meet someone and after a few years of dating, you got married and lived happily ever after. I had my parents’ good marriage as my example. My marriage did not go well. I later realized my marriage included physical abuse to me and my son, emotional abuse, gaslighting and coercive control. As I look back and realize how protected I was growing up, I realize I did not know how to make decisions based on a realistic outlook on life and an understanding of who I was. It was like I grew up in a bubble.
Sharon: I grew up moving around every couple of years with my parents and two younger brothers. My mom had three kids in four years. We never lived near any family, and those were the days when long distance calls were pricey, so I had once a year or two interactions with my grandparents, aunts and uncles and cousins. When I was in grade school I began to understand the reality of my Dad’s job and that moves were likely always around the corner. My nuclear family was all I really had. In that setting, it was hard to make friends. There were some Christian friends at Sunday School, but I wasn’t close enough with anyone to see their family struggles or learn firsthand how abuse affects people. No one ever discussed things like this at church, and, in those days, I don’t think grown-up friends and family members discussed such things with each other. My mom’s parents had taken in a foster child who they later adopted, and that child had suffered real abuse, so I know Mom’s family knew about such things.
I had been taught to watch out for sexual abuse/manipulation and for when a relationship was becoming toxic, but as long as you weren’t having sex before marriage or a pregnant teen then dating was ok. In those days most Americans stated that they believed in the Christian God, and so it was easier to have a relationship with someone who went to church or was ok if you went to church.
Unexpectedly, I experienced a violent marriage for half of the 30 years we were together. Sleeping with one eye open, gaslighting and walking on egg shells was my new daily reality. I refused to take him back the last time after finally realizing things were not my fault and many issues were not fixable. I never expected that outcome.
CCSF Commentary: Today many people believe America is a post Christian nation, and we all know someone in an abusive or toxic relationship even in our churches or our families. We hope to bring some stories to light to see if this speaks to someone with the goal of recognizing abuse. Perhaps these personal stories will open someone’s eyes to consider the need to educate our children and grandchildren so they will recognize abuse and figure out how to have safe and appropriate interactions. It is possible to be abused for many years before realizing what is going on. We can believe everything is our fault. This is why CCSF exists: to inspire Christians to have safe friendships and safe families.
Domestic Violence Risk Assessment Tools
Domesticshelters.org offers eight domestic violence assessment tools. These tools are best utilized by a professional in the DV field. The Danger Assessment; MOSAIC; Adverse Childhood Experience Quiz; The Lethality Assessment Program (LAP); Ontario Domestic Assault Risk Assessment; Stalking and Harassment Assessment and Risk Profile (SHARP); SOS Conjugale Interactive Questionnaire; Compensation Compass. See domesticshelters.org/resources/risk-assessment-tools.
Sean “Diddy” Combs
Many of you may have seen the video of Sean “Diddy” Combs kicking his girlfriend mercilessly in the hallway while she was trying to get to the elevator to leave him. Maybe when you tried to leave your abuser you were just blocked or threatened and didn’t undergo such obvious physical violence while trying to get out of your abusive relationship. We here at CCSF just want to remind all of us that it doesn’t matter your social status, wealth, race, education etc., anyone is open to being in an abusive relationship, and it can take a minimum of up to 7 attempts to leave such a real situation like this. We continue to focus on raising awareness so you might more easily recognize that you or a friend/family member is in such a situation before it is as obvious as being kicked in a hallway and recorded for the world to see. KW
*If you have any concerns about the potential lethality of a relationship, we encourage you to click on the link below and take the assessment. As always, if these things are triggering for you, please reach out to your support system and remind yourself of how far you have come and how strong you are!
Book Review : Violent No More – Helping Men End Domestic Abuse, by Michael Paymar, PMA, 2015
Violent No More is for men who have struggled with or are currently being violent in an intimate relationship. Filled with real stories of men who have harmed the ones they love and found the courage to change, this highly acclaimed book has helped thousands acknowledge and reform their abusive behavior. Author Michael Paymar doesn’t sidestep the unpleasant reality of domestic violence. Included here are the sometimes shocking first-person accounts of violent men, along with those of battered women. More importantly, many of these stories illustrate the ways in which men were able to stop their use of violence and control. The latest edition contains four new chapters which address the challenges faced by practitioners who work with domestic violence offenders or victims, and the particular struggles faced by combat veterans returning from war, many of whom come home with PTSD and other mental health issues. With group exercises and individual goal-setting plans to help men find healthy ways of responding to conflict, change the cultural conditioning that condones violence, and avoid reverting to old patterns, Violent No More is an essential guide for men dealing with violence issues, as well as for the professionals who assist in their efforts to improve. Amazon Review. LK
Save the Date!
Sunday, July 20th at T-Mobile park, enjoy a special game day at the ballpark. At the Choose Respect: Refuse To Abuse® Game Day enjoy a Mariners baseball game and be a part of preventing domestic violence – while reaching thousands of baseball fans! Get inspired, take action, and cheer for our Mariners! Buy your tickets now and get all the details at: Refuse To Abuse® Day | Seattle Mariners
Scripture Verse:
A righteous man who walks in his integrity— how blessed are his sons after him.
Proverbs 20:70
Christian Coalition for Safe Families 