If I can stop one heart from breaking, I shall not live in vain; If I can ease one life the aching, or cool one pain, Or help one fainting robin unto his nest again, I shall not live in vain. Emily Dickinson

October is Domestic Abuse Awareness and Prevention Month

When she loses her coping skills

Throughout the years since domestic abuse has been recognized, as opposed to “it’s a husband’s right to rule his house however he wants to”, there has been little understanding of the phenomenon of Reactive Abuse. This is a partial explanation of the phenomenon that has sent many women into the legal system for the act or acts of self-protection and survival.

Some may have called Reactive Abuse “self-defense.” But that is not necessarily the most accurate term. The truth is that a victim often comes to a breaking point. Perhaps this time she sees him revving up and she can’t take it anymore. Perhaps her mind no longer can tamp down the enormity of the injustices done to her. After suffering abuse and the fear of coming abuse, sometimes her judgement and thinking processes are not very reliable. And she strikes first.

Victim-Defendant describes the victim who lashed out when she enters the legal system. Then she becomes the casualty of legal victim-blaming, with the emphasis on her one-time act. The media tell stories of women sent to prison for their act. Is killing an abuser right? Never. But has sufficient attention been given to the long-term abuse she suffered before she took that fateful last step? In these cases, she can also be referred to as the “criminalized survivor”.

It’s important to understand that someone who resorts to Reactive Abuse is not the instigator. Rather, they are a victim who is fighting back in self-defense. All these terms can be problematic, because they label the true victim as an abusive person. The emphasis must be in the context of a history of abuse. The term Reactive Abuse correctly emphasizes that the victim is reacting. And this is what we can remember. This is the perspective which law enforcement and the justice system can better understand when working with women who commit Reactive Abuse.

This is what we can work diligently toward preventing. We can speak out when we see abuse happen. We can step in, but in appropriate ways. We can offer support to the victim so that she does not feel alone, unheard, or not believed. We can encourage her to separate herself from the abuse but only when she is ready; we can give her an opportunity to clear her head, point her to legal, educational, financial and housing resources while she heals and becomes strong enough to make sound decisions about her future. LK

Thank you to Nicole Kalbermatten, Development Director, Northwest Family Life, for introducing me to the term Reactive Abuse. Nicole leads support groups for Northwest Family Life. For information and to sign up for a Domestic Violence support group, use this link.

Response from a Survivor:

For me, my Reactive Abuse showed up when I suddenly found myself being the one to slap back and really meant for it to hurt like the way my husband had emotionally hurt me for so many years. In that moment I realized that I had totally lost my coping skills. I didn’t like the person I was becoming. I had reached my breaking point. I think this is a way my body was striking out to protect itself. As a Christian, I abhorred these actions which were the culmination of years of abuse. I confessed my feelings to him. This gave him ammunition to call me the abuser.

My thought is that we have been mislabeling these reactions. And we need to better understand what leads up to a reactive event. Then we can deal with it appropriately, taking into consideration all factors. This makes the important point that Christian discipleship should always take the stance that God loves us and never would be a party to abusive treatment. The false hope is that the abuser will change when we apply forgiveness as a remedy for bad behavior. ~ Survivor

Scripture Verse: “… the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant … So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.” Malachi 2: 14, 15

CCSF will not meet in the month of October. We will be at Missions Fest October 18 & 19^th. There will be featured speakers, exhibitors booths, seminar sessions, music, great food and more. CCSF is honored to again have an exhibitor booth. Come see and hear about the amazing, life changing work done by missionaries locally and around the world. CCSF will be at booth # 52. This year, Missions Fest is at Highlands Community Church, Renton, WA. Admission is free.